An average Sunday

I'm sorry you hurting me inconveniences you

This is for all those who feel guilty for someone hurting them. It is for those who feel bad about tearing up at the dinner table when the person across from you insults you, diminishes you, or disregards you. It is for those who wait to break down after everyone has eaten, gone home and enjoyed their day; not to sully their splendid Sunday.

Sometimes you make a sacrifice and you’re even happy to make it. After all, it’s for a person you love: someone who has been with you through thick and thin; who makes sacrifices for you back. But this is someone who only sees their own sacrifices and expects you to pity them for it. It is someone who may notice what you do for them but doesn’t show it. Someone who benefits and has an overall better life with your help and presence in it but wouldn’t admit it. Because in their eyes, what you do for them is their sacrosanct right, a given and a duty. So that is how it goes; you are expected to worship them for all they do for you but they cannot afford a mere ‘thank you’ to acknowledge you bending over backwards for them.

This unappreciation is so ingrained in them, that they bring up your lack of aid whenever it is possible. They even like to remind you in front of others to be sure it stings. Make it burn a bit more; that you’re wanting but not especially wanted. Make it known that all your achievements are not all yours, they're backed up by some magical force: them. And at that opportune moment, they fire; “you have never supported me” they say. And it hits. It hits you so bad your chest explodes propelling your heart across the room, splattering it against the wall for everyone to see how shattered and broken that statement left you.

No, I have never supported you. No, I didn’t spend night after night crying with you. No, I didn’t drag you out of the house to get some fresh air after a day of pitying yourself on the sofa. No, I never spent all evening helping you get ready for a date you were so anxious to go on. No, I let you sleep in whilst I sent myself to school because I knew you had a bad evening. No, I never stayed in not to leave you alone. I never went to buy you ice cream just because you felt like it after coming from work late. No, I must have imagined this.

And if you read this I already know what you would do. You would tell me I’m wrong, you would never, you were always good to me, you tried your best, I should be grateful God gave me you, other people have it worse, you had it worse… But you don’t even notice. You think I’m acting like this because I’m jealous of you in some way you’ve made up. You don’t notice because you’re too wrapped up in focusing on all the things you’ve achieved with no help, all by yourself. And sometimes I get a glimpse of your true form. And it is this; you, alone and you better be ready to accept that, if you want to keep being too proud to acknowledge help from others, this is how you are going to live.

So now I’m going to try to not feel guilty the next time I hear you telling me that I’m just not grateful enough for all your help and you making me forget that I actually am a caring person and I do love you.