Show and Tell

Knowing what to say but physically cannot is a different kind of torture.

A part of me I have never understood is my stutter. Its difficulty to grasp stems from the fact that it’s not a physical issue but a psychological one. It worsened with age; with growing up came greater self-consciousness which translated into greater anxiety when I had to speak up, present something, ask a question and even say my name.

In the book ‘The Island of Missing Trees’, I encountered an episode similar to what I experienced: the protagonist got up to say something in class and it hit. Her throat closed up. A pressure built up in her windpipe. Her tongue got stuck to the roof of her mouth. Panic. Guilt. Shut down. This sequence occurred many times but the worst one was in my Maltese O-lvl oral. After that, I admitted to myself that I might not be able to solve it on my own.

At the beginning of my year at a new school, I was beside myself on how I would fare with this stutter. One of my (genius) ways to avoid speaking was to have a sticker on my laptop with my name on it so teachers wouldn’t have to ask. Ironically, it benefitted both me and the teachers since I didn’t have to say anything and if they forgot my name, they could just read what was on the sticker. Another tactic is to switch between languages. The thought was that if I got stuck with one language I could substitute with the other since the word I needed might start with a softer sound. As you can see speaking, an imperative part of communication, was quite a stressful ordeal for me.

Speaking publicly in general was always something I wanted to do and be good at. If I ever watched a presentation or someone talking in front of a mass of people, my fascination with their proficiency at the skill would distract me from listening to the actual content of the speech. A person being comfortable with presenting would elevate them to idol status in my eyes.

Recently at school, our class started preparing for a debate and we needed to appoint speakers. Now, my dilemma was this: I wanted to participate as a speaker but only if I was certain I would succeed. As any sane person could see, I would have never achieved anything with this mentality since I would never have allowed myself to try if there was a possibility of failing. So, I raised my hand and put myself on the line. I could either back out and lose my classmates’ respect or go for it. I chose the latter option and I’m grateful for it. It was a memorable experience and a slightly funny one. I forgot to mention another coping mechanism of mine is laughing like a maniac. Apart from the public speaking opportunity I got out of it, I also had the privilege of getting to know the speakers on the board with me a bit better. Nothing beats the jitters like a good laugh.

What inspired me to write this piece blabbing about what might seem like a trivial problem is that I had an influx of public speaking this week. Admittedly there was some ‘umm’s and pauses here and there but with a lot of calming breaths and baby talk to myself (these seem to work) I managed. Maybe you got bored reading about this but take it with a grain of salt. Apply it to some similar dilemma, somewhere you need to try with the possibility of failing. I hope my courage inspires a bit of courage in you.

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